Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
