That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
