WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
