You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Randomize
