don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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