I feel like abortions should bother me more
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
