hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
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he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Hippo gnu deer
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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