so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
