i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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