Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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