So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
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I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
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If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
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