I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
