I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
