First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
