Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
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