What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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