everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
