the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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