Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
