I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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