You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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