I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
