So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
