You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
