It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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