i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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