I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
