I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
