Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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