My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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