If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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