you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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