I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
