I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
