I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
