I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
