alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
