Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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