I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
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Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
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I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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