I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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