omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Drunk is a universal language darling
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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