You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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