My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize