Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
