ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
