dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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