And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He passed out mid-signature
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
