good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
third nipple confirmed
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
