'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
porn star boner night. come get it.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
