omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
