whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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