And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
