did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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