I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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