my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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