Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
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Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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