Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
