Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
