He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
